considering i dont remember writting the last journal, its time for a new one.

please hold the critiques on grammar and proper english. the thoughts are what counts and im not writting to win any awards.

now, to the meat of the subject. hating, wanting, and discontent.. no, this is not a bake sale for bitter and strongly defined words. these are the closest aproximations to what i have been troubled with most recently.

a general hatred of the world.. the people, the places, politics, personalities, alliteration.. interactions. everything to one degree or another. i feel like an extra in a kevin smith movie sometimes. content enough with my own existence that i pick on other people to entertain my time. why the diplomacy, why do we go to such ends to tip-toe through the tulips with douchbags (and bag-ettes..) so we dont hurt their feelings? sooo.. we dont incur their wrath? i dont understand. at all. why are we locked in an eternal struggle with ourselves and the unwritten laws that dictate we must bear some modicum of civilized nature with people that we would rather bludgen with something like a rotten cucumber?

i hate the illiterate balk of mankind. the people that cant do this (if i was speaking i would point at the ground i stand on and myself to drive the point home) they cant quantify anything outside of the extreme, use your words! learn yourself from your mistakes. ....the people that think getting ..ahem 'wastey-faced' every night is totally fucking awesome.. yeah, enjoy your life of alcohol abuse. im sure it suits your chanel glasses and affliction T-shirts so well. the people that instead of making their next mortgage payment on time would much rather turn in their car and get a 4500 dollar kickback from our already crippled government so they can go through life appearing wealthy. you havent heard yet? yeah.. you dont need a house.. just a nice SUV.. when you are out liquifying your liver you only have to appear rich, which means you can rock that new suburban or H2 on 22's and the bonus is, you drive away from the bar to some neighborhood and pass out you dont need to fumble with getting all the way home, nah just park it and sleep! or take the girl you picked up to the ass end, have yourself a good time in the parking lot, drop her off somewhere and go wherever you feel like.

the world. i hate it.

onto wants, everything. next.

seriously though.. everything, i would like more than what i have, intellectually, romantically, monetarily.. name it and i can stand to have it in spades and be just fine. people with a quick-fire answer to everything would argue my position in life is entirely my fault. i didnt do well enough in school i didnt go to a traditional four year college. i didnt do this or that, i dont have the self-respect/worth/esteem to go out and find a girlfriend of my own volition. with all due respect sirs and madaams in this category, go fuck yourself. i am not denying that had i played by the social rules in my younger years that i may very well have the life i seek, but just as you couldnt bear the thought of NOT following these 'traditions' i couldnt bear the thought OF following them. keep in mind that all roads lead to the same end.. a smelly rotting, maggot infested end (and one that may not deliver on what is promised.. it is yet to be proven) yes, its a bullet i would have had to bite, grit my teeth and get through it but why. to what end? so i could make umpteen thousands of dollars a year to sleep in a nice house and drive an expensive car? so i could put on the greatest show on earth for an audience that probably doesnt care? no.. not my style. i would rather live a hundred years as a meager and satiated individual than a one as a person who has everything and hates his life. i can hear your cries of indignation now 'dont you see you are where you are because you dont have what you want? the money, fame, the spotlight could have been yours if you were not so blind and followed the norm!' oy, sheep number 76..i ask you, is there nothing to be said for the travel to the destination? the rich man bears the burden that the poor man seeks to chase. think deeply about that one and apply it to your own life in kind.

discontent, it runs a very fine line with hate (which is not as strong a word as one may think, at least in my usage, so the lines are much closer) discontent though, is what i feel when i look around and i see a world that doesnt seem to serve a purpose.. its a disgust really. humans on a whole are a parasite (credit to any number of founding fathers for this idea, i wish it was my own but i found this out a little to late) im not going all green on you (at least not yet.. i still prefer gasoline to electricity even if the volatile liquid of our own civilizations engines is high inefficient when applied in its current use) but look around, you cannot deny the beauty this world holds.. places that make you stop and listen to the ringing in your own ears.. the places that cannot be captured on film. just as an example, the grand canyon. for those of you who have seen its vastness, yes it is only a hole in the ground, but you have to respect the shock inducing grandeur of something that causes even the blind to take pause and comment on its wonder. people that cannot even enjoy the visuals know they are on the precipice of something powerful when they come to the edge. i feel discontent when i look around me and i see lives that even when looked at through the lense of rationality seem entirely useless. is life itself the reason? do these people fear death? fear of the unknown is completely rational.. i guess the simple act of breathing and thinking.. just being, is drive enough. i dont know, all i know is that discontent takes me when i gaze upon them.. again, i ask why. oft times, i am rebutted with why not, and ask in turn what life brings joy to its body when no ambition is shown. complacency should not stand for any length of time for ambition.. you acheived life upon birth. time for a new goal, a new experience. stretch your abilities, find out what you are capable of.

purpose and experience, i am a purpose driven individual who lives for the experience and you may be too, but the purposes you find in life, the experiences you seek most likely do not match many other peoples. as i said, the travel is part of it all. even when you are at the bottom of the hill and out of gas.. left with two options.. sit and wait, or haul your ass up the hill and know what you CAN do. it lets you know where your bottom line is, just how low you can get and still say 'theres more once i get out of this rut, i know.. i refuse to sit and experience the bottom of this hill for the rest of my existence' ive just started up my hill.. and i still am pissed off and feel like shit but i know what the bottom feels like and will be that much more prepared when i find the bottom next time.